Don't Become That Person And Bring An Extra Kid To A Birthday Party

I thought I had it all together for once at my daughter's birthday party. Playlist and games prepped, room decorated, cake made, pizza ordered. Then the guests arrived, including ones I hadn't expected. One mom had brought not only my daughter's classmate, but her older siblings as well. "It's okay, isn't it?" she asked half-apologetically. What could I say? The kids were already shrugging off their coats and eyeing the bowls of Doritos. I turned on the wattage and said, "Of course!" Thankfully, a couple of invitees had already called off, so I had enough space and food to accommodate the extra partygoers. It was my introduction to the very sticky and surprisingly common dilemma of uninvited children.

Parents may bring all their kids to a party because they have no childcare options, or because they don't want their other kids to feel left out. Whatever the reason, it creates an awkward situation for the host. Moms on Quora describe having to accommodate siblings, neighborhood kids, and other unexpected attendees at the last minute. Some are chill about it, while others call it downright inappropriate. "It is extremely rude to bring extra kids to someone's kid's birthday party," one person answered. "Birthday parties are expensive and a lot of planning goes into them."

Sure, a host can always turn away the uninvited people at the door, as long as they're prepared for a major guilt trip as they watch a sobbing child being pulled away from the balloons and cake. Or they can prep extra food and goodie bags in anticipation of a random sibling or two. But there's a simpler solution: Don't assume that a party invite for one of your children means your whole household can go. 

We're all in this beautiful, chaotic mess we call motherhood, and one of the cardinal rules of the sisterhood is not making life harder for our fellow members. To that end, can we all agree not to bring a plus-one (or two or three) to birthday parties unless the invite specifically says "Siblings invited"?  Even if the birthday child's mom says yes, that still means giving her extra responsibility on a day when she's already stressed about noise, mess, and whether there are enough purple-frosted cupcakes in the Costco box for the kids whose day will be ruined if they have to settle for blue.

Plus, for children who spend most of their lives sharing things — toys, clothes, mom's attention — there's a certain thrill in going to an event without their siblings. It's an acknowledgement of their individuality and their bond with the birthday person. Yes, your other kids may be disappointed, but learning to deal with setbacks is a part of emotional maturity. If they don't learn early on that they can't join every aspect of their siblings' lives, when will they? Will your middle-schooler expect to go to their older brother's senior prom? His honeymoon?

If you absolutely, desperately need to be the exception — you have no other childcare options, and the hosts are good friends — then call them well in advance and explain your situation. If the party is in an outside venue, paying for your other children's expenses is non-negotiable. Once the dust has settled a bit, offer to take the mom out for coffee or watch her kids one afternoon. Giving a birthday host a few hours of peace is the best gift of all.