It's Time To Call Out Goodie Bags For What They Are — Junk

Remember the days when you went to a friend's birthday party and came home with nothing more than a sugar hangover and a little paper horn? Anyone? Show of hands? No, of course not. Today, kids leave birthday parties with almost more loot than the guest of honor, thanks to the ever-present goodie bags. What may have started as a prehistoric social ritual ("Thanks for coming to our 5th Annual Inter-Clan Conference, Chogg! Have a shell!") has become a plastic-coated nightmare. 

It's no longer enough for parents to box up a cupcake or hand out a balloon for their child's party guests. The modern expectation is for the hosts to assemble individual sacks of treats, preferably with themed packaging and separated by standard gender as needed. (Alas, we haven't yet evolved enough to the point where we can put a pink bottle of bubbles in a boy's stash without inviting drama.) And if the child is celebrating at school, too — you guessed it! Yet another assortment of bagged-up tchotchkes.

The irony of it all is that most goodie bags are anything but "good." Typical birthday swag might include a little stuffed animal or a rubber duck decorated like a pirate, along with random items like tiny coloring books, coiled-spring toys, keychains, a little pack of Play-Doh, and assorted candies. The initial excitement quickly fades: Glow sticks grow dim, the clay gets embedded into sneaker soles, and the lollipop ring is abandoned half-licked. Ever see one of those stretchy sticky hands after two days of being squeezed and smacked against the wall by a kindergartner? My friends, it is not pretty. 

Like the bridesmaid dress in the basement — you'll wear it again someday! Probably! — or the mysterious key you still keep on your chain, goodie bags serve no real purpose. At best, they're a waste of money; at worst, they become a competition, especially among the bougie set. (If Draylon's mom gave $25 gift cards, are you contractually obligated to order personalized soccer jerseys in each guest's favorite color, plus tickets to the next live "Bluey" show?) Most of all, the whole concept sends the wrong message. Birthday parties are for celebrating the person and being with friends, not killing time until the host hands you a set of vampire teeth.

Moms online agree. On one Quora chat about goodie bags, responses included this wise comment: "The last thing a parent whose child is already over-excited and jacked up on sugar from the party wants is for you to provide them with a doggy-bag containing candy and a convenient means of generating an irritating noise for the ride home that will end up in a landfill." One mom added, "I forgot about them for my daughter's last birthday party. No one noticed or cared."

If you can't bear to be that mom who dares to buck the goodie-bag trend, at least make it easy on yourself. Instead of a bunch of flimsy plastic junk, get one nice item the guests will actually use, like a kids' card game or a book. Better yet, incorporate a take-home gift into your party: Have the kids decorate a T-shirt or picture frame. That way, everyone leaves happy — including the other parents!