What To Do When Your Child Has A Tantrum In Public

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It's the scenario every mom dreads: Your child begins screaming in the supermarket aisle because you said no to a candy bar. Or you've followed the playdate hack of setting a reasonable one-hour time limit, but at pickup time, your preschooler wails and kicks in front of the other family. A public tantrum adds a layer of embarrassment for everyone. Moms worry about being judged by bystanders: "What kind of a mother would let her child act that way?" 

In fact, tantrums are a normal reaction to frustrating or disappointing situations, overstimulation, and other factors that challenge a child's ability to self-regulate. They occur most often in children under 4, but older kids can suffer meltdowns, too. Thankfully, there are ways to handle tantrums without wanting to cry yourself.

As with all parenting-related issues, safety is rule one. Jenny Liu, a licensed professional clinical counselor-supervisor and owner of Conscious Roots Counseling, tells Mom exclusively, "The shampoo aisle in Target is embarrassing, but safe. The middle of the parking lot is not safe. If you are not in a safe place, move yourself and your child to a location that is."

Next, address the situation calmly. Amy McCready, author of "The 'Me, Me, Me' Epidemic: A Step-By-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World," tells Mom, "The most important thing in the moment is to control your own reaction. Take a deep breath, lower your voice, and look for ways to defuse the tantrum rather than fan the flame." Get down to your child's eye level and acknowledge their feelings. "Try not to say much or ask questions," Liu said. "You can simplify it further with 'I understand' or 'Okay.'"

The best way to stop tantrums is to prevent them in the first place. Take note of any triggers that seem to set your child off. If they're prone to meltdowns when hungry, give them a snack or meal before heading out. If boredom is an issue, Amy McCready suggests assigning your child a job. "Perhaps they're in charge of picking out the apples or finding foods that start with the letter C. Kids who have a useful role are often more cooperative."

Despite your best efforts, your child may still lose it in public places. Jenny Liu recommends removing your child from the area if the tantrum lasts more than five minutes. "Tell your child what you are doing while you are doing it, so they do not have added anxiety," she said. "For example, 'I want to make sure you have some privacy, so we are going to walk to the car together.'" Once the worst is over, you can turn the incident into an opportunity to help your child learn how to self-regulate. "In a calm moment, ask your child, 'How can I help you calm your body when you feel out of control?'" suggests McCready. "Then practice a few strategies together — a tight hug, fresh air, deep breathing, or listening to a favorite song." 

As for those judgy bystanders, tune them out. "Do your best to ignore the people around you," Liu said. "Your focus is on your child and supporting them." On the other hand, if another parent offers to distract your child with a song or game, consider yourself lucky that someone gets it!