8 Lessons We Shouldn't Teach Young Children

If you've ever been "uno reversed" (like I have) by a generation alpha kid, you know the feeling of being slapped in the face during what felt like a teachable moment. Just like the reverse card in the Uno deck signifies an about-face in the direction of the game, an uno reverse verbally invoked by a child essentially means, "I'm not going to listen to your rule; I'm going to do the opposite." Despite the small blow to my pride, I sat with the guidance my son was refusing to follow and eventually realized that it wasn't sound. I'd told him to finish his meal before getting up from the table (because that's what my grandmother always told me at his age). But what message was that sending him about listening to his body? What about his agency and personal authority?

Many modern parents are questioning generational hand-me-downs. With women today opting to have fewer children on average when compared to moms in the 1960s, a Pew Research Center report also indicates that 44% of parents are raising their children with a different approach than their own parents took, citing parenting style, behavior expectations, and discipline methods as key variations. As we grow and evolve our families, we owe it to our kids to look closely at the guidance we've been handed down and question what no longer works. To help us all on this journey, here are eight lessons that you may want to consider avoiding, and suggestions on what we can teach instead.

When a child attempts a task and falls short of expectations, a parent's response is crucial. We can either teach the child that failure is an inevitable part of life (which leads to wisdom), or — if we react harshly — we can foster a fear of failure that can then lead to anxiety. As clinical psychologist Dr. Amanda Mintzer told the Child Mind Institute, the first step after a child fails is showing empathy, and saying something like, "I see you're really disappointed; I know you really wanted to do better."

"You are who you are" can be an empowering message in certain situations, but it's not absolute. While a child may not be able to change their inherited physical traits, they can certainly adjust their mindset, habits, and work ethic. In her blog, Proud to be Primary, educator Elyse Rycroft recommends using a particular word to instill perseverance and help children make self-improvements. "Say the reminder, 'you can't do this YET, but keep going!' The word 'yet' is a powerful one."

It can be frustrating when children change their minds; however, if we want them to be flexible in life when plans unexpectedly change, that begins with what we model. In the case of younger children, changing minds is a sign of healthy development, exploring choices, and testing cause and effect, explained Dr. Mona Amin, via her Instagram. "Between 18 months and 3 years, toddlers crave autonomy," Amin explained. "They want control and choice, but the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and flexible thinking is still immature." 

Many parents want their children to feel empowered and even to argue their convictions. But if a child learns that winning is the ultimate goal in every argument, experts say it could set them up for dysfunctional relationships in adolescence and adulthood. "They've learned that the only way you communicate or resolve an issue is to argue," explained family therapist LeNaya Smith Crawford in a Healthline interview. Alternatively, a university study found that children who witnessed constructive arguments (listening and compromise) between adults showed increased indicators for emotional intelligence and problem-solving.

Similar to other antiquated lessons that could encourage children to go against their instincts and individual authority, "the adult is always right" has its potential pitfalls. Children who are taught to believe this idea could fall into blind obedience — following the rules of authority without questioning or developing critical thinking. Rather than blind obedience, psychologist and author Krysten Taprell recommends aiming for cooperation in her blog The Therapist Parent. "There are still boundaries, but you work things out together rather than a 'my way or the highway' attitude."

While it's important to teach children to observe their feelings, experts caution parents not to enable them to get caught up in said emotions (and follow through with impulsive actions that follow). The goal is to stop children before escalation and present an emotional regulation strategy, explained Dr. Carolyn Webster-Stratton, a clinical psychologist and developer of The Incredible Years program, in an interview with the American Psychological Association. Webster-Stratton recommended deep breaths, positive expression (drawing something that calms them down), visual aids, and empowering phrases like, "I can do it. I can stay calm and patient."

When the phone rings and a parent says, "Act like I'm not here," they're modeling a little white lie. It might feel harmless when it's uttered, as Dr. Sayed Mujahid Husain explains on his Instagram. "This might work for the moment, but over the period of time, it will confuse children and also weaken the trust they have in us." Research also shows that children who witness lies or are lied to are more likely to develop dishonest characteristics, and as age increases, the lies can become more severe.

When a child makes a mistake and another adult reacts emotionally (perhaps by yelling or crying), a parent might then say, "It's not your fault." While the outburst from the parent is not the child's fault, it doesn't negate the original mistake — which may be. Child and teen development specialist Dr. Robyn Silverman highlights the importance of embracing teachable moments in her blog, recommending that parents share their own missteps. "You can also share how these mistakes prepared you for the next time you were faced with a similar challenge or choice."