What To Say When Your Child Wants To Quit An Activity

A year ago we enrolled my son in a tennis clinic. He showed up faithfully and enthusiastically every Saturday morning during spring, so; when he asked us to sign him up to continue through the summer, we did so without thinking twice. But two weeks into the summer session he came to us with a curve ball — he abruptly wanted to quit.

If you're a parent who's been in this boat, you might recall feeling frustration, confusion, or concern. When it comes to understanding our children's desire to quit something, there's no one-size-fits-all response. The key is neither to react harshly and force them to "stick it out", nor to give in immediately and help them walk away. Instead, experts recommend pausing to ask calm, thoughtful questions such as: "What did you like about it at first?" and "When did your feelings change?" 

In an exclusive interview with Mom, licensed child and adult psychologist Dr. Amy Vigliotti, who founded the New York-based therapy practice SelfWorks, stressed the importance of allowing time for children to process the impulse to quit something, both mentally and emotionally. "Because if a kid's anxiety is high, we think of it this way: when emotions are high, cognitions are low," Vigliotti said. "So if they're approaching you in a state of anxiety about wanting to quit, it's helpful to think, 'let's continue to talk about this over several sessions,' so you catch them in a calmer moment."

Further conversation led to me understand that my son's feelings for tennis changed abruptly because the environment changed — (his two friends who played for the spring session did not sign on to continue through summer). Other environmental factors that could influence a child's desire to quit an activity include: sensory overload, pressure from coaches or parents, conflict with teammates, waning interest, or burnout from a schedule that's too jam-packed. 

To anticipate and avoid potential burnout, Dr. Amy Vigliotti pointed to the importance of having a commitment conversation. "Let's even map it out on their calendar: it's going to be every Tuesday for an hour from five to six for three months," said said. " [...] walk them through: what will a day in their week look like if this activity is on their calendar? When will they do homework? What else might they miss? Will they have less time doing some other activity that they like?" 

Vigliotti added that having a commitment conversation ahead of time gives parents a framework for helping their children transition out of an activity smoothly. "After three months, if you still want to quit, that's ok," she said. "But when you have the expectations set up in advance, then you know when the out is."