Can The Kids Stay Friends When The Parents Don't?

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Becoming best friends with your kid's bestie's parents — that's the dream! But what happens when things go south? When the adults have a rift, do the kids have to cut ties, too? Deborah Vinall, clinical psychologist and author of "Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide," exclusively shared with Mom.com that whether or not the kids can stay friends depends on two primary factors: logistics and the parents' emotional maturity. "It is important for parents to prioritize their children's well-being and set their personal grievances aside, separating their feelings about their former friend from the needs of the children," she says. 

Cheryl Groskopf, an anxiety, trauma, and attachment therapist, advises parents to pay attention to whether the kids' relationship changes, or if it's the adults who feel uncomfortable. "Kids can absolutely maintain healthy friendships — even when their parents don't get along," she says. "The important thing is whether the adults can manage their own feelings without making the children responsible for them."

Vinall says the best way forward is to have an open conversation with your child about the dynamics. Tell your child in plain terms that your friendship with the other parent(s) has ended, and reassure them that it has nothing to do with either child, nor should it affect their friendship. "Be direct and explicit about expectations," she said. "Welcome your child to talk openly with you if the parental conflict comes up between the children." 

Groskopf offers this script: "We had some disagreements, and we've decided to spend less time together. Sometimes adults don't get along, and that's okay. It doesn't change how you feel about your friend!"

While talking with your child is an important place to start after your relationship with the other parent fizzles, Cheryl Groskopf says that encouraging and supporting the kids' friendship requires more than words. "[Parents] need to make sure their behavior actually supports that message," she says. 

Motherhood brings inevitable friendship changes that moms are allowed to grieve, but how you grieve matters. "Kids are incredibly sensitive to their parents' emotional reactions, and sometimes they feel pressure to be loyal even when nobody has directly asked them to choose," Groskopf explains. That means every side-eye, scoff, and snarky comment under your breath reads loud and clear to your kid. This is where setting smart boundaries is key. "Decide that you will not discuss the details of your conflict with or in earshot of your child to avoid the child feeling entangled or triangulated into adult concerns," Deborah Vinall suggests. When it comes to being around the other parent, keep drop-offs brief, interactions respectful, and conversations focused on logistics.

Still, it gets tricky when you have to consider how the other family is handling the friendship breakup. "If the other child is bringing up the parental conflict and making your child feel guilty, anxious, or conflicted, it may be healthier to create more distance," Vinall says. Just make sure you are evaluating the situation objectively. "Parents need to distinguish between their own discomfort and an actual concern about their child's well-being," Groskopf cautions. As difficult as it can be, remember that how you model this friendship rift can guide your kids in navigating their own in the future.