The Friendship Changes New Moms Are Allowed To Grieve

Becoming a parent changes everything. Your priorities, schedule, sleep habits, and even your clothing choices all revolve around your little bundle of joy. New parenthood is one of life's greatest transitions, and your current relationships often experience the brunt of the shift. It can feel like you just don't have time for friends anymore. "Becoming a mom changes your time, your flexibility, and your boundaries," Tiffany Williamson, a maternal mental health therapist with Transformative Destiny and a mom of four, tells Mom.com. "What you may have accepted or settled for in friendships before may no longer work for you now."  Motherhood reveals what types of friendships you need and deserve during this new phase in your life, as well as which ones are less compatible. While this can be an eye-opening experience, it can still leave you grieving as some friendships fall by the wayside.

Williamson says that the need for consistency, support, and understanding from friendships can lead to disappointment on both sides. "You expect the people closest to you to move through this next stage of life with you, and sometimes they do not show up the way you thought they would," she says. At the same time, a new mom's limited availability, preoccupation with her baby, and utter exhaustion, combined with her missed calls and delayed texts, can leave friends feeling forgotten and cast aside. "What [new moms] often need most is grace, time, and room to figure out how to balance it all again," Williamson explains.

The first step to finding that balance is in accepting the realities of this new stage. "There is a lot of FOMO for a new mom who wants to hang out with friends and 'be outside' for this current season of life, but does not have the level of flexibility she once had," Williamson explains. She suggests being honest with your friends and affirming that you still value their friendship even when you aren't as present as you'd like to be. "There is no one way friendship needs to look, and the friends who adapt and get it are the ones that survive this transition into motherhood," she says.

Both new moms and their friends can help each other ease into this transition. A new mom can invite friends to be part of her village by making specific requests for help, and friends can answer the call. "A friend that lets the mom know she is bringing over dinner on Tuesday, or coming to help her around the house and catch up, is better support for a new mom," Williamson says. 

One parent shared their success with this idea, saying on Reddit, "Something my friends have gotten used to is that if they come round in the evening, we drink wine while cleaning the kitchen. The jobs get done and I still feel like I've had 'me' time." Using these opportunities for connection and support will go a long way in maintaining the friendship through the newborn stage and beyond. "A new mom wants to feel like a self," Williamson explains, "and having friends who help her do that by including her, providing actionable help, and making emotional space for her are the friends that last."