What To Say During A Tantrum — And What To Skip

We may receive a commission on purchases made from links.

When your child gets upset, things can escalate quickly to crying, yelling, and even kicking. If you're out at a restaurant or store, or in a hurry to leave home, the situation can feel even more fraught. Although frustrating, tantrums are normal, and you and your child can learn to navigate them successfully. "A tantrum is not misbehavior to correct, it's a communication problem to solve," Sapna Radhakrishnan, a Dallas-based parenting success coach and author of "Yelling to Zenning," explained to Mom in an exclusive interview. "The child doesn't yet have the words or the regulation skills to express what they're feeling any other way."

To help your child, Radhakrishnan suggests naming the emotion. "'You're really upset right now' lands better than 'calm down,' because it tells the child you're paying attention instead of trying to shut the feeling down." Avoid questions like, "Why are you doing this?" since you're asking a child to solve a problem they can't yet do, she says. Bending down to your child's level is another soothing technique that can help kids feel seen. However, less is more. A parent's quiet demeanor is incredibly reassuring all on its own. 

As your kid works through their emotions, make sure everyone stays safe. "It is important to validate your child's emotion and pair it with a firm boundary, such as 'I see that you are angry, but you cannot hit (me, sibling, someone else, etc.),'" Carina Lane, a Chicago-based perinatal mental health therapist at Flourish Counseling & Wellness and parenting coach/owner of Mindfulstarts, informed Mom exclusively. In addition, ensure that your kid can't hurt themselves by knocking into anything in their immediate environment.

During a tantrum in public or at home, a short suggestion can go a long way. "It is okay to ask the child what they might find helpful — a hug, space to be left alone, for you to be near them, etc.," Carina Lane recommended. In the meantime, parents can mentally troubleshoot the situation. Sapna Radhakrishnan noted that if a child is hungry, thirsty, tired, interrupted, rushed, or just not feeling well, it might not take much for them to have a tantrum. Bigger life events can play a role, too, such as starting daycare or a new sibling.

Although kids might not be able to articulate underlying factors, parents can be observant. "A warning sign that a tantrum is about to occur is that your child, who can typically follow directions, is having a harder time doing so, or a child who can typically communicate well is having a harder time," Lane explained. "A deviation from your child's 'typical' could signal that they may need more support, to slow down, or a break." 

Some tantrum triggers can be easier to circumvent. For instance, you could pack a healthy snack to keep hunger at bay during a busy day out, or set a timer or verbal cue to signal when a transition is imminent. Even so, some tantrums will happen anyway, giving you and your child time to practice these helpful techniques. "Once parents stop treating tantrums as defiance and start treating them as a skill gap, their whole approach changes, and so does the child's response over time," Radhakrishnan advised.