What To Say When You Need Help Before You Hit A Breaking Point

As a parent, and especially as a mom, one of the hardest skills to learn is how to ask for help. We all know it takes a village, but when it comes to actually reaching out and requesting the help you desperately need, it can be hard to find the words. When you feel yourself teetering on the edge, the most important thing is to first say to yourself: "I am getting overwhelmed. I can't do this alone. I need help." Admitting it to yourself identifies the issue, which can help you figure out the next steps before it feels like a challenge you can't overcome.

With the problem on the table, it helps to get specific about solutions and not assume others won't be there to step up. Stanford social psychologist Xuan Zhao told the Stanford Report, "Quite the opposite, people want to help, but they can't help if they don't know someone is suffering or struggling, or what the other person needs and how to help effectively ..." She suggested making clear, direct requests for help. With your partner, it can be as simple as: "I've got too many things on my plate today. Can you get X, Y, and Z done?" With close friends and family, make a request for a specific task: "We are stretched thin this week. Could you take the kids to their practices on Tuesday and grab dinner for them, too?" 

If you are particularly good at appearing put-together, others may have no idea that you needed help in the first place. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with people you trust by saying, "I am struggling," or "I've been overwhelmed lately," helps open the door. 

In making specific requests, you might be surprised by how willing people are to say yes. In fact, Xuan Zhao's study published in Psychological Science suggests that those needing help worry more than they should about being a burden, and they underestimate how happy the helpers feel about contributing. Another way to prevent yourself from hitting your breaking point is to trust that your village wants to help — they just need guidance on how. One parent shared on Reddit that posting a list of specific requests worked well. "My best friends just did stuff that was helpful like taking out trash, washing dishes, folding baby laundry, or dropping off snacks for me to eat while breastfeeding," they said. 

If some people only want to help in certain ways (like playing with the baby instead of cooking dinner), it's okay to say, "Thanks for the offer, but I just need more practical help right now. Maybe we can schedule a time to get together when I'm feeling more settled."

Partners can be a source of frustration, especially if it feels like they should have more awareness of the parenting load you carry. Issues of responsibility imbalances are common among parents. One way to get ahead of it before one of you blows up at the other is to get in the habit of regularly discussing what's on both of your to-do lists. Feeling like you're in this together and sharing the load makes a big difference.