What To Say When Your Child Comes Home Upset About A Teacher

We've all been there. Your kiddo comes home from school in a huff, defeated, distraught, or downright enraged by something their teacher did. As parents, our knee-jerk reaction often veers one of two ways: Either we quickly try to explain away the teacher's actions to calm our irate child with sound logic, or we join in the fury, often working ourselves up into an even bigger tizzy than our child's. Issues with the latter are pretty obvious, but the former isn't ideal, either. "I wouldn't immediately jump to 'I'm sure your teacher didn't mean it that way,' because most kids will hear that as 'I don't believe you,' even if that isn't what the parent intended," Farah Downs, founder of Maitland Mental Health Co., tells Mom.com. Downs has been on both sides of these conversations, having worked in public schools for nearly a decade before moving into private practice.

Kendra Read, a child and adolescent psychologist with Brightline, suggests following up with a statement that acknowledges their feelings. "Saying something like, 'That sounds really frustrating,' or 'Ugh, that would have stung me too,' is a good starting point," she advises. Then, just let it lie. Only after they have had time to calm down should you start to ask questions that piece together the bigger story. Downs suggests asking, "What happened next?" instead of more pointed questions like, "Why did you do that?" Undoubtedly, your child will include their own takes on the situation, Read says. "If your kid says, 'She hates me,' you don't have to disagree. Just get curious: 'What makes you think that?'" 

It's just as important to temper your own emotions as it is for your child. "Parents often feel the need to rush into 'saving' their kid," Kendra Read explains. "However, it might be best to let time pass to allow you both to decompress." Bringing the whole story into focus when both you and your child are calm provides clarity and helps identify next steps. "Kids tell us what an experience felt like to them, and that matters," Farah Downs says. "But they may not have noticed what happened right before the interaction, what the teacher was responding to, or how something they said or did came across." Read says your child will be better equipped to consider other points of view — including their teacher's thoughts and feelings — when they reevaluate the situation from a calm place.

Your next steps will be unique to your child and the situation. If you feel connecting with the teacher is warranted, lead with a spirit of collaboration. "There's nothing wrong with reaching out, but an email that begins with 'Can you help me understand what happened?' is likely to lead to a much more useful conversation than one written as though the case has already been decided," Downs says.

Remember that these situations are opportunities to teach your child how to respond on their own, whether by setting an example through your own actions or guiding them. "Advocating for your child doesn't always mean making the uncomfortable situation disappear," Downs tells us. "Sometimes it means helping your child understand what happened, clear up a misunderstanding, repair something, or figure out what they want to say if it happens again."